Trouble in Purple
by SleaterKinney
Summary: It started the day Maura brought that white fluffy innocent looking creature home. I instantly didn't like it but Maura did so I was going to have to put up with it. The way it looked at me made me nervous. No matter where I went, it'd just stare and freak me the hell out and the poop. The thing was a poop machine. GROUP FIC. Thanks to TigerLover629 and inkblotsonpaper.


Chapter 1

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It started the day Maura brought that white fluffy innocent looking creature home. I instantly didn't like it but Maura did so I was going to have to put up with it. The way it looked at me made me nervous. No matter where I went, it'd just stare and freak me the hell out and the poop. The thing was a poop machine. Maura always seemed to be able to get me to clean it up. I may or may not be plotting to get rid of it. Then at night when it was time for us to cuddle and watch movies, guess what? It stole my spot on Maura's lap! How dare that little fluffball!

One day, out of the blue, weird things started to happen. Things suddenly disappeared, and other things showed up in places that they were not supposed to be in. I couldn't for the life of me work it out. At first I thought it was Maura messing with me but then when she wasn't even home things started to move around by themselves. Maura would not believe me but I knew it was that red-eyed evil fluffer.

Last night I voted to have some, well you know, sexy time with Maura and then all of the sudden the bunny walks in, somehow getting out of his damn cage and Maura makes me put him back. But of course, as I come back in with lust in my eyes he follows me in again!

I cursed the bunny. It was getting in the way. Finally I addressed this to Maura, "Maur, we need to get rid of the bunny." My body was prepared for the harsh response.

"No." She said with a frown.

"Seriously, we have enough pets here. I don't think the bunny is a good idea. can't we put him off to someone else?" I begged but Maura was having none of it. She picked the annoyance up and took him to his cage. I got to sleep on the couch that night, while he got to sleep in his own cage.

It was the next morning when the first dead bird was found in Maura's sink. Immediately I turned to find Dr. Rabbitong in his cage looking all innocent but there was a single feather in his cage. Proof! "Maura, get out here! This thing killed a bird! Look there's a fucking feather in his cage." I called out waiting for Maura to stumble out of bed.

"What the hell Jane? Why would you stage that? Stop blaming my poor little doctor." Maura went over to the cage picking her rabbit out and held him at her chest leaving me to be stunned. I watched the bunny, it looked right back at me with a gaze that said, 'Ha I win. She loves me more.' I grunted and looked at Maura.

I had started to notice that even Joe Friday was afraid of it. This thing was getting even more, and more eerie as time progressed. I even caught it once stopping not moving a muscle and just staring at me. It's gaze was too intense I had to look away, and I'm not easily scared. Then as soon as Maura walked in, it started cleaning its ears and looking all cute again.

The mysterious movement of household items continued, it eventually began happening more frequently. Usually it was once a week, but soon it progressed to every other day, then everyday, and soon it was anytime I was alone with that, stupid, creepy bunny. Maura didn't believe me, she thought I was crazy, she even suggested seeing a therapist once. Maura loved that bunny, I have no clue why. Maybe it is because he flashes his bright brown eyes at her and nuzzled his soft fur against her skin. But she doesn't see it, she doesn't see the evil glares or sharp teeth like I do. Maybe I am going crazy.

He hadn't attacked me yet, for that I was thankful but there were times when Maura had her head turned that he'd lunge at me out of nowhere then run back to his resting place before she saw a thing. I was starting to be afraid of stepping in my own apartment, it was getting that bad.

"Maura?" I said in my sweetest voice.

"What?" She instantly knew I wanted something from her.

"How about we go to your house for a while? Just us two? I'll even drink some wine?" It had been almost a week since I got laid. The bunny interrupted us every single fucking time.

I watched Maura stare at me with a raised eyebrow before she sighed, "Fine Jane. But, I do have beer you know."

I smiled, even in this time with the crazy fucking bunny she was still thinking of me sometimes. Now touching her arm and leaning forward to peck her nose softly I murmured, "I might just have to reward you for the beer."

Her eyes widened as she smiled, "Oh. Really? I think we better hurry then."

A smirk leaked onto my face, then I frowned as she pushed passed me and toward something on the other side of the room. The rabbit's cage. No, no she wasn't. Now I groaned, "Maur what are you doing?"

"We can't leave him here all alone," she said as if it was the most obvious thing ever.

I looked at her, but from the anger raging in my face, it may have seemed I was looking through her. Crossing my arms I said, "We leave the thing here."

She glanced at the bunny then back at me. "Jane your fear of this bunny is greatly irrational."

My face grew red with anger and I stepped away from Maura "My 'fear' is not irrational! You don't see it Maur, you don't see what it actually does!" I pointed my finger accusingly at the bunny that now sat nestled next to Maura's foot.

Maura rolled her eyes and went to pick up the evil fur ball. She gave it a quick pat on the head before nestling it further next to her face. "Jane, I don't know how much longer I can put up with this behavior of yours."

She paused briefly before returning her gaze to me. "It's jealousy isn't it?"

My eyes shot straight to her and shock registered on my face. "What?" My hands went to my hips and I cocked an eyebrow. Maura set the bunny down and moved closer to me, a pained look on her face. "You're worried the bunny will replace you."

"I kinda… I kinda think he doesn't want me to fuck you." I shrugged my shoulders with a frown on my face. "That, and I'm not kidding when I think he's possessed or… Magical or some shit? How else can you explain what's going on? Seriously?"

"I don't think this bunny possesses the capability to actively want to stop two humans from having sex, Jane. And I doubt a creature with no opposable thumbs can open locked drawers or pick up vibrators and put them in the freezer. Honestly." Maura had her hands on her hips, a disappointed frown on her face.

"Maur, I love you. I want to make love to you. I need you and I need time away from that bunny. Please." I took her hands in my own and her gaze softened.

"Okay." She smiled. "I'll get my keys."

I let go of her hands and grinned leaning to give her a kiss when in the corner of my eye… Did purple smoke just come out of the rabbits behind? What in the…. I pulled away suddenly, eyes wide. Was I going crazy?!

I stepped back and focused on the bunny, more smoke slowly leaked out of its ass. My mouth fell agape and I raised my arm to point at it, "Maur-Maura, loo-look."

She whipped around, her hair making a perfect swoop to follow her head, if I wasn't so damn scared of the bunny with purple smoke coming out of it, we would most likely be making out by this point. My gaze had turned from the bunny to Maura eyes her eyes widened. She looked at me and her mouth fell open, "Jane. What is happening?"

Now I looked back at the bunny, the smoke had slowly stopped curling into the air. It turned and looked at us with those creepy, dark eyes. Still staring at it I whispered, "Can we get rid of it now?"

Then she took a shaky breath, "There has to be an explanation for this."

Maura ran to the bunny, fear and despair in her eyes. "Little Doc!" She swooped the bunny into her arms and planted a gentle kiss on its tiny nose, "Are you okay? What's wrong?"

The bunny began to shake and she quickly placed him back on the ground and back away, only a small gasp escaping her throat. The smoke started to twist and curl into a tall figure. Smoke filled the room making the couple gasp for breath as they flailed their arms around to clear the smoke. Once the smoke cleared a lone male figure stood where the bunny had been. It took a moment for the figure to register in their minds.

Jane was the first to break the silence, "What. The. Fuck?" She quickly placed her hand on her holster to find it had been removed. Maura stood shocked as the figure approached her. His voice smooth and confident as he spoke. "Hello Maura." He was now standing only a foot away and Jane quickly put her body in between the two.

"I-Ian?" Maura choked out peering over Jane's shoulder.

"What the fuck?" Was all I could say as I stood my ground between the two. There was no way I was going to let this thing that had been sitting on Maura's lap and fucking with me come near her.

"Maura, I've come all this way to be with you." He had a sick smile on his face as he disregarded me completely.

"I… I really don't understand what's going on right now but you need to leave." Maura said as she held onto Jane.

"But… You loved me as the bunny. I don't understand, I'm still the same bunny." His smile fell as his hands curled into fists.

"You heard her, you better leave right now! And don't fucking touch Maura's vibrator ever again." I said roughly with my finger pointed at him. "Now go!"

"I… This isn't the last of me, I promise you that." His eyes went dark as he shook his arm making a broom appear in his grasp. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a piece of material that turned into a witches hat as he put it on his head. "This isn't the last of me! I even brought you a bird! How could you do this to me?" He swore as he straddled the broom. I watched in horror as his nose began to grow with a wart on the end of it.

"I'll be back when you least expect it!" He levitated on the broom before flying off in a flash leaving Maura and I holding each other as we tried to comprehend what in the hell we just witnessed.

"I hope he didn't take my masks." Maura whispered finally.

"So…" I said as I look at Maura with a smile, "Shall we make love?"

Maura's quiet nod was enough to make sure the night ended superbly. One could easily tell Maura was tense from the shit that had just went down. And I knew just how to relax her.

I moved closer to Maura leaving little space between us, the heat from our bodies radiating between us. I glanced towards Maura's full luscious lips before claiming them with my own. The kiss quickly heated up with our tongues battling for control. Maura moaned into the kiss as hands began to wonder each others bodies. I pushed Maura towards the couch until her the back of her knees touch the seat. I gently pushed her down as Maura removed her shirt. A chill touched my body as new flesh was exposed. Slowly my hands pushed Maura's shirt over her head to reveal the rack of god. A smirk touched my lips and I slowly angled my neck as to kiss her neck. This earned a soft whimper from Maura, which only made my progress down her chest faster. Soon I was at the fabric of her bra, and my hands snaked around to unhook it and reveal perky breast. Sighing in content I set to work.

Then we fucked. Hard.

THE END.

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Thanks for reading.

Many, many, many thanks to InkBlotsOnPaper and TigerLover629 who had just as much to do with this FIC as I do. I implore you to check out their profiles!


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